i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
