She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Randomize
