Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
