I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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