This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
