my mouth tastes like poor choices
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
