I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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