The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
