I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You pole danced in your parka.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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