ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
