Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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