He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
