Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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