I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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