He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize