Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Someone shattered a urinal.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
