Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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