Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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