I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
