I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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