Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
