My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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