booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
