How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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