and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I AM VODKA MAN
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
