So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
