He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
