i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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