just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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