I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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