At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize