some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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