the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I enjoy the company of your penis
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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