I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize