You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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