All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
