guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
