I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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