my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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