I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
