Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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