12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize