Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just googled if crying burns calories
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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