I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
