tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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