You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
