I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
