new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
