I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There r osticjed everywhere
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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