I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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