If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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