Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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