the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
