I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize