You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
