I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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