I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
