so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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